sobriety is like a new pair of boots
the old ones feel so comfortable... til you find new feet
a friend recently came out of rehab & reached out to catch up - not immediately, just a headsup to hold that space for whenever he’s ready. i never went through formal rehab processes but i know precisely how damn brave that step is. i know exactly how scary those first 're-entry' vibes are (i still get wobbles now, well over a year later. especially as we come out of lockdown and all the pubs are heaving again - ugh). i wanted to say something encouraging and supportive, to focus in on the point of it all, to help frame what we’re doing here, and why. and to remind him he’s not alone.
becoming sober (or any kind of abstinence) is h.a.r.d. all those things you were drinking to avoid, to numb, to escape… now there’s nowhere to hide. you feel e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. and the ground just will not stop shifting underneath your feet - where the fuck is it safe to tread?! you learn that the only way out is through. keep moving forward. one step at a time. find your new feet, re-learn how to walk. accept you’ll fall over, a lot. keep seeking more stable ground, and the far more compassionate people who live there. just hold on. this too shall pass.
i've had to learn how boundaries work - never had them before. i never even thought about it, just figured it was easier, safer, to just go along with whatever others wanted. my needs didn’t matter, right? never had before, why start now? can’t make it all about me, that’d be wrong, bad, selfish. the weird thing is that my work-self knew her boundaries; work-fee knew exactly what she had the right to fight for, what to protect, what to negotiate for the bigger-picture balances. meanwhile, personal-fee wasn’t worthy of any of that, apparently.
i painfully learned last year that the only way to get -and stay- sober is to learn how to be selfFULL. own my needs, assert my boundaries. i’ve since realised how protective i’ve become about all that, too. if anything even vaguely hinted at risking a return to booze, the fireshutters instantly came down: NO. i will not risk -can not risk- that. not anymore. the stuff that caused my developmental trauma had taught me that daring to even have needs of my own (never mind assert them) was 100% selfish. my first decent therapist years ago pointed out how many times i used the word ‘selfish’ about myself in sessions. she asked me what it would feel like if i replaced it with selfFULL instead. it felt horrible, alien, wrong. it’s taken years to finally understand how important that mindset actually is. especially for women, who are taught from so very young to put other people’s needs before our own.
i’m still not great at it. i still forget, fall back into old defaults. except now, every single time i notice that i’ve asserted a boundary or declared my needs, and they are acknowledged and accepted by those around me -without so much as a blink!- i make sure to celebrate it. no matter how strange, abnormal, it still feels: it’s another proud step forward onto far more stable ground, with people who get it and want the best for me. it’s the epitome of ‘showing up for myself’ (another new revelation). mind-blowing.
so i thought about it a while, a perfect analogy popped into my head, and i wrote this.
it’s for him, for me, and anyone who’s ever lost their footing… and found it again.
take all of this completely at your own pace. that's how this works. you come first now. thems the roolz.
weirdest new learning I've ever experienced, that one - putting your own needs first. blimey. still finding my footing here... and loving it.
it's a bit like a new pair of boots. you get all excited about getting them, then don't wear them for a while coz you don't wanna muck ‘em up. then one day you go 'fuck it', chuck ‘em on n go stomping.
you may get a few blisters while they mould to your feet, and the ground can feel a lil shaky with those new soles, so tread gently.
then suddenly you find yourself standing at the top of this epic mountain, gazing at the ocean on one side and the mountain range on the other, seeing and feeling and loving EVERYTHING. and knowing you got here, and you can now go anywhere.
it's weird as fuck, and it's sexy as all hell.
enjoy the stomp 🤗